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Relationship, Spirituality

Meditation on Love, Loss + Transformation

“The transformation of the heart is a wondrous thing, no matter how you land there.” ~ Patti Smith

I lost something
when I lost you.

It seemed to have slipped through my fingers.

Gone:
was a comfortable
and familiar air of optimism
about myself
the world around me
and
my purpose.

And for some reason I thought
it was my job to find it.
To fix it.
To fill the void.

Somehow I thought
I had to make it all better.

After days
and months
of sifting
and searching
through my broken pieces
finally
I gave myself
the permission
to sit
in the clumsy mess
and muck of it all.

Only then did I realize
that the beauty of the loss
lived in its very void:
that awkward
haunting
and empty space.

The beauty of the loss
was learning
that it was not mine to fix
or stuff
with other people
places
or things.

It was not my job
to pad that spot
to make it more pleasant
palatable
or soothing.

After all
I’d been working so hard
to let go of the things
that weighed me down through the years –
the things I had
consciously
and unconsciously
attached to you.
Attached to us.

Only then did I realize
that I created that space
to make room
for everything to come
after I lost you.

Authenticity, Learning, Relationship

We Often Know What We Want. We Barely Know What We Need.

Have you ever ran from someone, some place, or something, thinking that you’d end up somewhere better – only to find that your new destination came with its own set of complexities and obstacles and ended up being more trouble than it was worth? And that perhaps where you were previously was the better option for you? Sometimes we buy into the idea that the grass is greener on the other side, only to realize that our lawn was actually pretty fab. What we want doesn’t always balance with what we need.

I’ve been saying for years that I’ve wanted to publish a book. As satisfying as it was to have the proof copy of my book in my hands, when people asked me about it, I found that while I would talk about the end product – the meat of that book of personal struggles and reflections – more often than not, I talked about the process. I talked about how it began as a series of random thoughts in my journal, scribbled as I sat on a beach in Jamaica during my vacation back in February. And how these thoughts began to take form when, one day as I was taking my typical wander around the city on a sunny Sunday morning with a coffee in hand, I was hit with a clear message that I needed to park my butt on my rooftop and write. And that when I listened to that pull to tune out of the world and tune into my writing, things just flowed.

While reaching the end goal was certainly satisfying and offered a colossal sense of achievement, there was something far more magical in the movement of getting to that end goal. There was more magic in the discoveries, unfolding, discomfort, and realizations along the way. And that’s often what we take for granted.

Never mind the years of experiences leading up to the point where I could reflect on the last 38 years of my life – the experiences that made me who I am today and infused my writing. Had it not been for learning tough lessons in life, love, and about myself, there would be no book.

There’s nothing wrong with being ambitious and being proud of our accomplishments but accomplishments are truly only sweeter when we learn and grow along the way. Checking those big goals off our lists might be what we really want in life but sometimes when we get there, we’re faced with “what’s next?” and “now what?” Reaching the goal marks the end of the process – and the process is where the beauty lies.

Authenticity, Creativity, Relationship

Incubation, Creation + Healing

I made you something. And it’s almost ready to share.

I’ve been finding it difficult to return to my laptop every week and squeeze out a post over the last couple of months. Partly because I’ve been working on something that had to split me in half before I could possibly put myself back together again but mostly because I needed the space to heal.

As you may know, on April 16, 2017 (the date is permanently etched in my DNA) my father passed away. We didn’t have the ideal father/daughter relationship. And we definitely weren’t close. Nevertheless, our connection (or lack thereof) shaped me into the person I am today.

Something shifted in me as he was dying.
Everything changed when he passed.

As I began to reflect on things from a distanced perspective, I began to see the different ways that my relationship with him had influenced my actions, choices, and opinion of myself in this world. I began to see how much of who I am today is the result of our blemished bond and that this imperfection is part of what makes me complicated, sensitive, strong, compassionate, and independent – all at the same time. And I wouldn’t change a thing.

I’d like to abandon the way we throw terms like “daddy issues” and “mommy issues” around as a way to debase each other. I mean really. Who doesn’t have “issues” because of someone, or something, or other?

I’d like to eliminate any judgement we have about how we’ve been affected by our past
and instead
embrace that at times we’re fractured, desolate, vulnerable, and raw
– often painfully so –
and that at those times
it’s not about what happened to us or who did what
but rather:
how we choose to move beyond it all.

And so. I hermited. I tucked myself into a safe space to create and when I was ready, and the time was right, the words began to flow. There was no stopping the process as long as I let what needed to be said move through me. As long as I stepped out of my own way and stopped judging myself for what I was feeling. And as long as I realized that this process was distinctly my own – necessary, heartbreaking, and beautiful.

And I want to share my art with you.

Over the next week, I’ll be finalizing my first book: a self-published poetic narrative that moves through reflections on love, death, and healing.

I’m hoping you feel something.
I’m hoping we see a bit of ourselves in each other.
I’m hoping we connect…
…not necessarily through identical experiences – but through a common resonance with what it means to be human. What it means to love. What it means to fall apart. And what it means to heal.

Stay tuned. I’ll let you know when it’s ready to order. And as always, send you mad love for every precious minute you devote to supporting me, my words, and my art.

Because as much as I may think I write for myself – I write for you.

Lifestyle, Relationship

The Business of Love

We’re so often oversold on grand expressions of romantic love.
As if the only kind of true love that exists
is defined by shiny engagement rings
picture perfect smiles and interactions
dreamy sweep-you-off-your-feet expressions of emotion and
happily-ever-after endings.

But what about the subtle expressions of love?

What about the fact that love takes many forms
and that sometimes
it’s perfect simply because of its imperfection.

What about the fact that love is patient.
Patient enough to weather the storms
that inevitably come and go over time –
defined by moments of loss
boredom
complication
confusion
and occasionally not-so-loving feelings.
And what about the feeling of finding your way home to love
when you think you’ve lost yourself
in the mundane
and the routine –
only to find yourself again in the eyes of someone who loves you despite it all?

But real life doesn’t sell well does it?
It’s not shiny and new forever
and eventually
the novelty wears off
and we have to remind ourselves
that while they may not be perfect
our real versions of love
are perfect enough for us.

xoxo